Bejeweled Cashmere Dress

I didn't make this up - that was the name of the dress on the website. Hilarious. And yeah those are real stones on the neckline. The back of the dress has that same pattern to it. Isn't that going to accentuate my saddlebags in a really bogus way? Is it just me? But it is a sweater so it might keep you warm. $525

My Dress Won First Prize at the State Fair

Is it just me or is that thing on her shoulder - which they sweetly call a brooch detail - does it look like a blue ribbon? Also a strange detail is that this silk charmeuse dress has side pockets. As if that fabric could justify putting something in those pockets. Pluh-lease!! Good luck with that. $495.00

Resort Wear - at the beach

Wear a vest at the beach. Actually it's by Red Carter and considered a Tuxedo Print Halter Swimsuit. Yay! $340

Something for Dad - Slippers

Holiday shopping is so hard sometimes, especially for the older men in our lives. Whoever they may be, I'm not here to judge. Everyone needs slippers. These are clearly high quality, I mean the velvet will totally stand up to Illinois winters. And the detailing! The description says its HANDMADE in England. All I can say is WOW. $440.

Jellies by Marc Jacobs

Oh wait! No I mean... Rubber round toe ballet flat with cut-out detail at toe and three small holes in vamp for ventilation. Rubber sole/upper. Available in Yellow. Made in Italy. MADE IN ITALY!!!!!! Jellies made in Italy. They come in other colors too, like aqua and smoke. No lie. I'm also not lying when I tell you these are on Sale down to $95 from $155.

A Stocking Stuffer

Lovely isn't it? Yeah its cashmere and all, but honestly! It must be the bad economy that makes this price so high. Pay $995 for your choice of colors.

Moon Boots

These are those UGGs shoes that all the kids are wearing. I don't like them, but I'm not their demographic. And even though its too easy to make fun of what young kids are wearing, I can't deal with these. Don't they look like the shoes your mother would make you when your Halloween costume was a robot or Astronaut? She grabbed a pair of slippers or old boots and spray paint them silver. These are made by UGG for and they sell for $150. My GF and I discussed these and she reminded me that the boots were called Moon Boots, you got them at Kmart. They were awesome if you were 5 but any older than that your school chums would hassle you to death about your dumbass Moon Boots. Good times.

Go to the Roller Rink wearing this...

Yeah so I was shocked to find this little gem on a "hip" young person's website. Along with super expensive jeans and leg warmers....I swear its true. The description is fantastic: "The epitome of that luxe hippie look we're all about right now. Braided suede headband with rhinestone chain detail. Tie closure. 33" long." $66.00. I swear!

Something for the winter...Earmuffs

Isn't name brand stuff cool? I love paying TOP dollar for things you can get at Wal-mart for say, $3.50. But it's Juicy! Fantastic Rabbit Fur Ear Muffs adds plush comfort to logo-embroidered ear muffs styled with a wool band. Rabbit fur/wool. Did I mention they're made by by Juicy Couture? $95.00.

Something to Time Travel In

When the Morlocks are chasing you you'll be glad you chose this incredibly short dress by BCBGeneration - they say it "gives the shimmery charmeuse dress a futuristic look with colorblocked details." You betcha. Only $118 so buy a few because those Morlocks...well you might not get the stains out. That's all I'm saying.

The 80's are totally BACK!

Ok but excuse me I freakin' WORE both of these dresses many, MANY times in every color of the rainbow back in the mid to late 80's. Shoot even the early 90's. It blew my mind to see both represented so faithfully here. The same seams, the same floppy limp bow, Jesus the same off-the-shoulder thing!! Run for your lives!! And its gone up, pay $330.00 for this red silk bow dress and $178 for the black and white number with the shawl collar. Ew.

Yikes...Frankenstien shoes

These little gems are from designer Stella McCartney. I usually hate her stuff and this is no exception. Why take a pair of perfectly good shoes and add this goofy pink ankle strap to it. It looks like those sand filled weights you might use to get an added burn in areobics class. Not that I ever did that but I have saw other people doing it. Still, my vote is: Yuck! All this for $875.00.

You Make the Call

In today's economy, you have to make the hard choices. Do I pay $16.99 for this white Polyester, 100% Cotton Lining clutch purse with Zip Pocket, Slit Pocket, Snap Closure and No Straps? Or do you go all out and get this red Valentino Noeud d'Amore Clutch for $1,095? I never thought decisions like this would be so hard.

I'm a Present - get it?

Yeah because I love the idea of having this big freakin' bow in my midsection - super flattering and sexy. You're jealous I can tell. You wish you bought this MARC BY MARC JACOBS Cotton Twill Bow Dress for $568. Cause nothing says formal like twill.

The Age of Aquarius

Dig my groovy new pants. I really think these can speak for themselves. Ralph Lauren made them and they are only $998 for front zip silk pants from Woodstock.

Mother of the Bride

It just goes to show you that you can spend alot of money on designer clothes, and still look like my Mother. Or Liz Taylor during the fat turban wearing days. It is described as: Black with silvertone beaded detail. Ballerina neckline. Cape sleeves. Cascade ruffles. Pure silk chiffon. Made in the USA. Yes it's CAPE sleeves. Awesome. Plus its made in the US of A. Only $2790.00.

Ode to the Long Sweater

It has been amazingly hard to find expensive ugly clothes to rip on these last few weeks. My usual standby of looking though the cocktail dresses has turned up some super cute and mostly so-so garments. Ah but then I came upon this and my heart rejoiced! Philip Lim created this gray with green trim sweater. Deep V neckline. Puffed three-quarter sleeves. Patch pockets. Tonal belt at natural waist. Banded hem. Extra fine merino wool. Only $550. Get two.

toilet paper rosettes on your boobs

I'm deeply unimpressed. The description is outrageously optimistic...Ombre Silk chiffon Rosette Tube Dress "The only downside? The looks of envy we'll get from all the other girls at the party." 24" long, measured from center back.

OK its 24 inches from the center of the back. 24 inches is 2 rulers long to cover your butt. Yikes that is crazy short. $297.00

Hell bent for Leather

I often wonder where I could find a leather dress. Who doesn't? And here is the answer to my prayers, in black leather no less. Allow the awesomeness of the official description to wash over you: "MARC BY MARC JACOBS Leather Funnel Neck Dress. Short-sleeve shift dress is cut from buttery-soft leather and is secured by an edgy exposed zipper at the back. A dramatic, face-framing funnel neck and seamed dropped waist complete the futuristic look." Face Framing...isn't that sweet? pick this up for $828.00.

Oh No Way

The model is clearly HOT and works out so that's ALL GOOD. But the suit- I mean really! Not even the gayest of the Gays would wear this. But its on sale for a mere $66 (down form $88). Grab it fast.

Stevie Nicks was having a garage sale

Witchy Woman! Super cute dress to wear to your Coven Meeting, or when your boyfriend is scheduled to be hung, or maybe the Annual Witches and Warlocks Association is having a potluck. Anyplace else, this sucks. Pick it up for a whopping $1990.00 for the following: Semi-sheer off-shoulder dress in silk chiffon. Tonal metallic detail throughout and drawstring at ruffled hem. Awesome.

Look cheap for $198

Hey I'm not perfect. I like to wear sexy shiny things, to draw attention to myself so my man remembers that I'm female. But geez ease off! In the description it describes this as having a Boat Neck. Yeah. Its got a boat neck like it is only a little tight. Whatev. Like I said before buy it cheap for $198 at one of those cute boutique online stores.

Dolman Sleeves - the AGONY

Oh. My. God. Its a dolman sleeve. Look, that's super retro and all but, and I say this from personal experience, the dolman sleeve never looks that good after you've been wearing it in real life. It just makes you look like a box with wrinkled and dangly arm flab. But isn't this a pretty color? The cost is only $350 for this Elizabeth and James Blouson Silk Dress with a keyhole back.

DO Be Careful!

Sorry about the long absence - I needed a break from searching the high end store's web pages. There really wasn't anything interesting a month ago. But now! On my first pass here I find a horrible purple dress that would look better on a curtain rod. This is a Pleated Silk Drape Dress in Concorde (as in the jelly) and is 100% silk. Spend $595 to have this look.

Too Much of Everything

This is too short, too boxey, too colorful, too cheap looking and too much money at $449.00. Happy Easter!

Something in the way she....

I always hate Stella McCartney's collections. There's something about her stuff that turns me off. All her clothes look messy and ill fitting or just poorly made. Check out this sweater, it has wings! Wear it to the new Batman movie premire. It's available for pre-order, and the website doesn't even say what this sweater is made out of. But it is $1695.

Groovy Zebra - Big Sleeves

Whenever I see these big sleeves I worry that they might catch on fire. its irrational, I realize this. No one is going to make a grilled cheese sandwich while wearing this dress. But I think of it just the same. Its a cheap one today, $270 for this silk dress.

I'm On A Wrinkled Roll...

You can't throw a stick these days without hitting one of these wrinkled, crinkled ruched things they call fashion. Apparently I was cool WAY before my time because anyone could tell you that I didn't own an iron until this new millennium. This dress is by Nicole Miller and is being marketed as a Bridesmaid's dress. The bride would have to HATE her ladies in waiting to make them wear this. And its $620 for a crinkled style in dark blue, with a ruched bodice and a gunmetal hem with a fishtail back. Awesome.

Yet Another Ripped and Wrinkled One...

What is up with the "I slept in my clothes" look these days? This dress also looks it was attacked by a lawnmower or something. All shredded and torn, it looks messy. You'll pay $1710.00 for this Fendi Silk Petal dress.

Lovely Plaid

Marc Jacobs thinks this dress is Nautical-inspired. How? Which part is nautical? The price is $368 for this silk dress. Land ho!

Postman's Bag or Burlap Sack?

The full description speaks for itself: Martin Grant Powder Dress (that's the dress name) $1,550.00 Sleeveless cotton blend dress with pleated front and rear and bubble hem. Square lambskin collar with oversize button close. 37" length. Available in Nude. Made in France. 82% cotton, 18% silk. 100% lambskin collar. Dry clean. The French should be ashamed.

What Is A Caftan?

Oh hey here's one by Michael Kors. I don't know where this garment has been all my life. Something that flowy and modest is perfect for me. I definately think I look best completely covered, literally from neck to wrists to toes, in yards and yards of black and white print. Pre-orders are being taken now so get one before all your friends gobble these up. Its $2995 for a "pure silk" caftan. I expect nothing less dahlings.

Bring In the Clowns

This looks bad on the model. How will I have confidence wearing it to the office? And I will scare people too - all those folks with the clown phobias will avoid me. This Ellen Tracy Tie Front Satin Blouse is silk and $298 so you can look chubby. Nice spare tire.

Ball & Chain

Another awesome GF Jenny find. These are from Fendi and they are a suede strappy sandal with a 4.5" heel that is OH-SO-Delicate. How heavy are these shoes exactly? And can I make a pair out of the strappy sandals I already own by just driving to Ace Hardware and picking up a soldering iron and $5 worth of dog chain? Actually, never mind because these are only $690. But they're made in Italy.

Reptile Print Floods...Oh I Mean Capris!

My GF alerted me to these and I am so grateful. There is something very disturbing about these, is it the front or the back? If it weren't for the perspective of the shoes I would be lost. Roberto Cavalli designed these and he wants $795 for these cotton/spandex atrocities. I hope I see these on Paris Hilton.

Tri-Color Metallic Grandma Shoes

Darlings! I just can't decide which Rolex to wear today...the gold one or the silver and gold one? And then which shoes? My God what will Muffy and Brad at the Country Club think? I know! I'll buy these $425 sandals and I'll have all the metallic choices in the world. Bronze? Check. Silver? Check. Gold? Check. Old Lady feet? Check.

Hey Tennille the Captain is Looking For You

High waisted pants are back in style! And wow aren't these exactly what you had in mind? Someone went back in time and grabbed a pair of jeans right out of the Sears catalog or County Seat or something. All they need now is 6 pleats. Just give it time. My suggestion is to stock up on the low waisted jeans of your choice before this is all that you have to chose from. These? Well they are $231 and have a front rise of 12.5". Yowza!

That's Mistress Rodeo To You

This sort of makes me think Ralph Lauren has a little bit of a fetish. Dig the black gloves and severe look. I guess this dress would look good on someone in somekind of situation but who and where would they go in it? A wedding maybe? To the office? Ralph charges $2598 for this.

I Couldn't Decide

This one really had me back and forth. On one hand the colors are interesting; on the other the ruffles are awful. The asymetrical design is not flattering and it looks really flouncy. If you love it and think I'm crazy...well that's OK with me. Michael Kors is the designer in question and he charges $4595 for this silk dress.

Sloppy Wrinkled & Expensive

I can look like I slept in my clothes for WAY less money than $1690, I mean puh-lease. This is a Nina Ricci shirtdress made of silk organza. Yes its just about see through and yes that skirt not only looks like an apron, it has an elastic waist. Ew.

Pretty Hair

Its nice to get your hair out of your eyes - especially at the office. So its refreshing to see something huge and shiny made of leather to do the job. This thing has panache! Not only that, its $78.

Let's Go Sweater Shopping!

I had no idea that looking through the Sweater pages would be such a goldmine of material. These two sweaters are simply an example of when designers take an idea and kill it. I don't want to look that boxy - thanks. These are both about $200 each and made of a silk knit so they ain't that warm either.

Your Inner Dweeb

Who-hoo! I have always wanted my man to look like this. Can you imagine going out in public with this guy? Maybe you will be going on a picnic or walking around Martha's Vineyard in the spring, either way it's Dork Wear for sure. The sweater is priced at $790 and its COTTON - yeah you heard me right. The shorts are also cotton but those are only $535. Only.

I'm Ashamed...I Have Worn This

Back in the day I had something very similar to this swell jumpsuit. Mine also had the palazzo pants but it was short sleeved with a scoop neck. I used to wear it to work. It was the 90's - leave me alone. However mine did not give me a camel toe which this seems to be doing, and mine certainly did not cost $1395.00.

I Found My Mom's Housedress

This "shift" dress has crossed a line somewhere into the dread housedress territory. I want to blame it on the pockets in the front - they are horrible and ill-placed. The color is very K-Mart circa 1978. Bleh. And its $288. Buy this at your own risk.