My EYES!!!! They're melting....

WOW. Holy cow! I mean, really?? I just...well...what kind of shirt would someone wear these leggings with? I am so confused. Here is the description: Pencey Pieced Leggings. Pencey knows we like a little fun detail on our leggings. Mesh leggings with jersey banding at waist and asymmetrical jersey and lace insets at legs. Stirrup (!) at bottom hem. Sheer at mesh and lace. $131.00.

Resort Wear - at the beach

Wear a vest at the beach. Actually it's by Red Carter and considered a Tuxedo Print Halter Swimsuit. Yay! $340

Something for Dad - Slippers

Holiday shopping is so hard sometimes, especially for the older men in our lives. Whoever they may be, I'm not here to judge. Everyone needs slippers. These are clearly high quality, I mean the velvet will totally stand up to Illinois winters. And the detailing! The description says its HANDMADE in England. All I can say is WOW. $440.

Moon Boots

These are those UGGs shoes that all the kids are wearing. I don't like them, but I'm not their demographic. And even though its too easy to make fun of what young kids are wearing, I can't deal with these. Don't they look like the shoes your mother would make you when your Halloween costume was a robot or Astronaut? She grabbed a pair of slippers or old boots and spray paint them silver. These are made by UGG for and they sell for $150. My GF and I discussed these and she reminded me that the boots were called Moon Boots, you got them at Kmart. They were awesome if you were 5 but any older than that your school chums would hassle you to death about your dumbass Moon Boots. Good times.

Go to the Roller Rink wearing this...

Yeah so I was shocked to find this little gem on a "hip" young person's website. Along with super expensive jeans and leg warmers....I swear its true. The description is fantastic: "The epitome of that luxe hippie look we're all about right now. Braided suede headband with rhinestone chain detail. Tie closure. 33" long." $66.00. I swear!

The 80's are totally BACK!

Ok but excuse me I freakin' WORE both of these dresses many, MANY times in every color of the rainbow back in the mid to late 80's. Shoot even the early 90's. It blew my mind to see both represented so faithfully here. The same seams, the same floppy limp bow, Jesus the same off-the-shoulder thing!! Run for your lives!! And its gone up, pay $330.00 for this red silk bow dress and $178 for the black and white number with the shawl collar. Ew.

Look cheap for $198

Hey I'm not perfect. I like to wear sexy shiny things, to draw attention to myself so my man remembers that I'm female. But geez ease off! In the description it describes this as having a Boat Neck. Yeah. Its got a boat neck like it is only a little tight. Whatev. Like I said before buy it cheap for $198 at one of those cute boutique online stores.

Dolman Sleeves - the AGONY

Oh. My. God. Its a dolman sleeve. Look, that's super retro and all but, and I say this from personal experience, the dolman sleeve never looks that good after you've been wearing it in real life. It just makes you look like a box with wrinkled and dangly arm flab. But isn't this a pretty color? The cost is only $350 for this Elizabeth and James Blouson Silk Dress with a keyhole back.

I'm On A Wrinkled Roll...

You can't throw a stick these days without hitting one of these wrinkled, crinkled ruched things they call fashion. Apparently I was cool WAY before my time because anyone could tell you that I didn't own an iron until this new millennium. This dress is by Nicole Miller and is being marketed as a Bridesmaid's dress. The bride would have to HATE her ladies in waiting to make them wear this. And its $620 for a crinkled style in dark blue, with a ruched bodice and a gunmetal hem with a fishtail back. Awesome.

Postman's Bag or Burlap Sack?

The full description speaks for itself: Martin Grant Powder Dress (that's the dress name) $1,550.00 Sleeveless cotton blend dress with pleated front and rear and bubble hem. Square lambskin collar with oversize button close. 37" length. Available in Nude. Made in France. 82% cotton, 18% silk. 100% lambskin collar. Dry clean. The French should be ashamed.

I Found My Mom's Housedress

This "shift" dress has crossed a line somewhere into the dread housedress territory. I want to blame it on the pockets in the front - they are horrible and ill-placed. The color is very K-Mart circa 1978. Bleh. And its $288. Buy this at your own risk.

How Interesting...

This is a vest. The price is $180. Yes I know. The back is the same.

A Dress Over Your Dad's Undershirt

I say lose the tank top - why wear this dress over it? Did you lose your strapless bra? The description of this color combo is fabulous! White bust, red/yellow lava-printed bodice, and black skirt. Its not red, its LAVA. This Jean Paul Gaultier Tiered Plisse Gown is $3520.

This is a Member's Only jacket

The description of this $506 jacket says it's a "Classically styled motocross jacket takes a super-hip turn in metallic silver leather. Styled with zippered pockets at the chest and hips and snap-closure epaulets at the shoulders." PLEASE! Stop with the epaulets. Also this IS NOT a motocross jacket. Anyone who was alive and dressing themselves in the 80's knows exactly what this jacket it a copy of. Am I right?

Oh But These Are BUBBLE Shorts

I've never paid more than $50 for a pair of shorts. I think they would have to be made of some kind of miracle fabric that made my legs and but look AMAZING instead of like a Gym Teacher. Anyway these are Bubble shorts, and I think based on the picture they have elastic around the bottom hem to create a fullness at the top of your thigh. Why is this a good idea? The tops of my thighs don't need fullness, trust me. But these shorts seriously cost $410 for a blue elastic waist on shorts made of 98% cotton, 2% spandex. The shirt sucks too, this is described as a Striped Batwing Top with a camisole underlay, all made of 88% viscose, 8% cupro, and 4% polyester. Price tag for the shirt? $660.

Something For the Men

Aren't you sick of boring old navy blazers? I know I am. This sweet number has that "inside out" look so many men are looking for. For your $289 you get the zip pocket details, shoulder epaulets and a large, textured leather appliqué on the back. Who doesn't love epaulets? And that appliqué looks like it will rub off in the car. Good times.